Nikolay Lakutin - Anniversarian. A play for 2 people. Comedy

Ivy. Hello, kitty.

Philemon. And… I… this… Hi. You must be a Bunny

, Ivy. I can be a bunny, I can be a kitty, I can do a lot of things. Will I come through, or will we just stand in the doorway?

Philemon. Yes, yes, please. Come on in… those.

Ivy. Kitty, let's not do this important thing, high and pretentious. Let's get right to the "you". OK?

Philemon. Ok.

Ivy. It's wonderful. I see you've been waiting for me. The table was set up by that one. I haven't had this before. It was, but not on this scale. Modest mostly. A bottle of wine, two glasses, sweets. And you're just being stupid!

Philemon. So, of course, I waited. How not to wait? A birthday after all.

Ivy. A birthday? Congratulations. How many stars did you get?

Philemon. Fifty.

Ivy. Seriously? Half a dozen? So it's an anniversary!

Philemon. Well, yes. I'm kind of… I'm aware of it.

Ivy. So I'm going to be your anniversary. Ha. Cool.

Philemon. Ahem.

Ivy. Well, what are you doing up there? I covered the clearing — come on, pour it, if that's the case.

Philemon. Yeah, I get it.

Philemon comes up to the table after the girl, gallantly pulls out a chair for her, sits her down, looks after her. It pours.

Ivy. Oh, my. The cavalier is right where to go. Nicesse…

Philemon. Is something wrong?

Ivy. All in a bunch. Let's have a toast!

Philemon. I think it would be appropriate for an introduction.

Ivy. Exactly. Let's get to know each other.

Ivy immediately clinks glasses and drinks. Philemon slows down.

Philemon. So maybe we'll get to know each other after all?

Ivy. Come on. What's your name?

Philemon. I'm Philemon.

Ivy starts laughing uncontrollably with a hint of mockery.

Ivy. Philemon? Seriously? Where did you find that name? No one has called anyone that for five hundred years. Tell me you're kidding. You're kidding, aren't you? No, ponAture, what's your name?

Philemon. Philemon, really.

Ivy continues to laugh mockingly.

Philemon. What's so funny?

Ivy. This is ridiculous, how funny. Philemon. But what if it's a diminutive? Phil? Monya? Fimonia? Mofil? Phil? Mof? A flask? Monyafil?

Ivy is covered with a new wave of laughter.

Philemon. I admit, I'm a little surprised by your reaction to my name. This is the first one. And secondly, I'm no less surprised that you didn't know my name. Didn't Sergei tell you? However, he didn't tell me your name either, he only told me about his Bunny.

Ivy. Sergey? Which Sergei? Oh, Sergei from the pool, which one? Well, I get it. So you found out about me from him.

Philemon. So who is it from? I don't know about the pool, but of course I learned about you from Sergei. You're weird.

Ivy. Am I weird? Which one of us is called Philemon? And I'm also weird.

Philemon. It's just Sergei…

Ivy. Brrr! I don't want to talk about him. Cut it out. My subscription was taken away because of this parasite.

Philemon. Oh, how! He didn't say anything like that. And why are they so mad at you?

Ivy quickly pours herself a drink, sips some of it.

Ivy. I was relieving myself in the pool.

Philemon. U… yes, it's not very good, but by and large, that's what everyone does.

Ivy. So I also told them that everyone does it!

Philemon. And what about them?

Ivy. And they said that I was alone from the tower.

Philemon. P… ahem. Yeah. An unexpected twist. Why did you climb the tower?

Ivy. So the Gray One wanted to take me on weakly! So I climbed up.

Philemon. Now everything is clear. Yes, you live a boring life.

Ivy. Are you going to drink, Filly?

Ivy is still sneering.

Philemon. Does my whole name bother you? If you don't like it, you can call it whatever you like. I have never encountered such a reaction in fifty years, but since my name is so across logic and your personal common sense, you can call it something else. And I will drink, but the toast was made for acquaintance, and I still don't know your name.

Ivy. Drink up, drink up. I'll think about what to call you.

Philemon starts drinking.

Ivy. I'm Ivy, by the way.

Philemon blows out what he has managed to get into his mouth. And it blows on Ivy.

Ivy. Oh, your aunt! What the hell?

Philemon. Sorry. How? What did you say your name was?

Ivy. I'm Ivy. What's wrong?

Philemon. Ivy?

Ivy. Well.

Philemon. So Ivy is a normal name, and Philemon is something out of the ordinary?

Ivy. Ivy is fine. It comes to me.

Philemon. Where does he go? What's coming in?

Ivy. Well, I like it, then! Oh, you're a valenok from a previous era, of course.

Philemon. Well, thank you.

Ivy. Okay, no offense. Well, I'm sorry, it's just really hard to communicate with you. You're all like that… I don't know. Men usually behave quite differently with me. And you're something else. He sprayed me again.

Philemon. Sorry, it was an accident.

Ivy. No, I'm so used to it, on duty.

Philemon. On duty?

Ivy. I'm telling you. It's difficult with you. Lan, forget it.

Philemon. Forget it?

Ivy. A-a-a-a… Forget it, in short!

Philemon. Okay, good. Listen, let's have a drink like a human being and eat already. I don't know about you, but I've been hungry for a long time.

Ivy. Let's sharpen it, I'm for it!

Philemon looks at Ivy with a bit of incomprehension.

Ivy. Let's sharpen — it means we'll eat.

Philemon. And let's have a drink, is that your way?

Ivy. Yes, it is. Let's have a drink. We'll bite. Let's roll. Well, there are also indecent variations.

Philemon. Variations? Wow, you! Whatever word you know. I was surprised!

Ivy. Listen, let's not you… Not you… Don't show off. Pour the best one!

Philemon pours again.

Philemon. Have you figured out what you're going to call me?

Ivy. When would I have thought of it? It's one thing, then another. Oh! You're making a smartass out of yourself here. I'll call you Smartass. Is it okay?

Philemon. For God's sake.

Ivy. Then thanks for the introduction, Smartass!

Philemon. Thanks for meeting me, Ivy!

They clink glasses, both giggle at each other, drink. They begin to eat.

Philemon. How's student life going?

Ivy. How do you know I'm a student?

Philemon. How from where? Sergei said.

Ivy. Strange. I don't remember telling him about it. I generally keep my personal life under lock and key, I try not to talk about it. Maybe, if I've just had too much once, I blurted it out.

Philemon. I do not know that. And where is he?

Ivy. Who!

Philemon. Well, Sergey.

Ivy. And how do I know. What do I care about him?

Philemon. Did you have a fight or something?

Ivy. What do you mean?

Philemon. I thought you were a couple with him.

Ivy. Us? With Gray? What are you, Filly! Or Rather, A Smart Guy. What kind of couple are we? I have these Earrings. Actually, to be honest, I don't even understand what kind of Sergei you're talking about right now, it's not about the one from the pool. And what's the difference?

Philemon. Wow…

Ivy. And you too, the fruit is still the same. So, he thought that I was the girlfriend of some kind of Sergei, but nevertheless he invited me to his place!

Philemon. Yes, as it were… I can't say that I personally invited you. I was just put in front of the fact that you would be, and that's it.

Ivy. I didn't understand. Should I leave?