Николай Владимирович Лакутин - The teacher. A play for 4 people. Comedy

Admit it, kids,

Got it in your pants?

That's it! You will now

Go quietly through the door!

Ksyusha (taken aback). Yogurt without a date!

Sanek. Anya, what are you doing?

Anna (in her own voice). Yes, I am, I am. Who else?

Ksyusha (angrily). Hello, Santa Claus, cotton wool beard! Did you bring us gifts, you crooked crook?

Anna (takes off her hat and beard). What hunchback? What kind of gifts? Until the New Year, still oh-go-go!

Ksyusha. Here! That's it, that's it! Why are you dressed up? You pop out in the middle of the night like the devil out of a box in outfits you don't expect. Anka, my heart almost went there, it didn't jump over the battery.

Sanek. Mine, by the way, is also somewhere in the same place. To be honest, at some point I thought that the hour of reckoning had come. That's it, Sledge, jumped back, bounced his own.

Anna. Oh, you've done it, then, in your pants after all?

Ksyusha. Wouldn't you?

Anna. Almost certainly!

Ksyusha. Well, what the hell, then?

Ksyusha stumbles over the pelvis again.

Ksyusha. Damn it, turn on the light already, someone!

The light turns on.

Sanek. Oh, and, really, Santa Claus.

Ksyusha. We are waiting for clarification! Have you gone completely crazy with your job, friend?

Anna. If only a little bit. Actually, they brought us new costumes to the garden. They handed it out to wash and prepare it. Hem it if necessary. And I've had Santa Claus in our garden for how many years! So, they brought me this outfit. You just went out the door, the guard from the kindergarten stopped by and handed it over.

Ksyusha. Why aren't you sleeping? We thought you were asleep. We go quietly, we're afraid to wake up.

Anna. Yeah, I noticed. We tried very hard not to wake them up.

Ksyusha. Anka!

Anna. Anya sells seeds at the bazaar, and I'm Anya!

Ksyusha. Oh, I'm sorry, Anna Andreyevna. May I ask why you are not sleeping at such a late hour, my dear?

Anna. She lay down. I even took a little nap. Then I woke up, decided to try it on, and here you are. Well, then the impromptu happened. Escaped, so to speak!

Ksyusha. Got away from her! Over there, Sanka and I almost broke out too… Something.

Sanek. Kapets, Anya, you are cruel. I had such wonderful plans for the night, and now validol and Jack London.

Ksyusha. It's a setup in general! Sanka tried so hard, he was already ready, I'm on it myself! And then at once the whole mood is in the trash!

Anna. Well, I'm sorry, I didn't plan on it, really. Somehow it all turned out that way. A combination of circumstances.

Ksyusha. Get out of my sight, Santa Claus! Come on, Sanka, let's walk around the house a little more, maybe we'll work up an "appetite", otherwise it's just a shame.

Sanek. Let's go, especially since I need to smoke after this.

Ksyusha. And I could use a drink, too. Maybe to a restaurant?

Sanek. A restaurant? Then I definitely can't do without validol later.

Ksyusha. Understood. Then a budget promenade, and then how it goes.

Sanek. Let's go.

Sanek and Ksyusha leave, Anna (Santa Claus) shrugs guiltily, leaves.

Scene 3

Sanka's mobile phone rings for a long time. No one is answering.

The phone goes silent and starts ringing again.

A sleepy Sleigh comes out in shorts and a T-shirt. He struggles to open his eyes, trying to find his mobile phone.

The bell stops ringing, the Sleigh falls to the nearest place suitable for rest. He continues to sleep.

His phone rings for the third time.

Sanek. Aye. What the hell! Who needs me this early? People! Have a conscience! There are some basic rules. This is a joke! According to the rules of good manners, it is allowed to call no earlier than eight in the morning. Who is so ill-mannered, and even pushy!!!

He's looking for a phone. He finds it and picks up the phone.

Sanek (into the phone). Hello! (Looks at the caller ID.) Vityukha, he's healthy. Have you looked at your watch? So what do they show? Eleven? (Pause). In the morning? And… (Gets out) No, I'm just like that. I decided to check my own, internal ones. They are lagging behind… Strongly. Something happened? Did you make an agreement? And yes, we agreed. No, I haven't forgotten. And about what? Oh, of course. No, no, no. Everything is in force. Where are you? From me? But I don't have one. Well… yes… Simply… Well, listen, it's a long time to explain. Circumstances. But I'm not far away, wait, we'll figure it out now. (He shouts into the other room.) Ksyusha?

There is no answer.

Sanek (shouts louder). Ksyukha?

Ksyusha (in a sleepy, dissatisfied voice from the other room). What do you need?

Sanek (shouting). Can Vitek come here? We had an agreement to grind something, I overslept, I didn't have time to go home, but he had already arrived. Can he come here already? So that I can do this and that for now… Time. Well, where to? A

pause.

Ksyusha (excitedly from the other room). And what time is it?

Sanek (shouting). Eleven!

Jamming of Ksusha's emotional speech mixed with fragments of phrases!

Sanek (shouting). Is that okay?

Ksyusha with disheveled hair in a nightgown skips on one leg, trying to put on pants. Fussing, getting dressed very quickly.

Ksyusha. Let him come, just don't pull me, I'm severely late!

Ksyusha runs off to get dressed further.

Sanek (into the phone). Hello? Vityai, are you still here? Listen… this… Do you know where my Ksyukha lives? Oh, yeah, how would you know. Here's my house, on the right hand side of the turn, you stopped by, right? And this is a little further down the same street. The last one before the intersection. Yes, with the letter "g". Everything is right. Apartment seventieth. The corner is the entrance. Are you driving? That's five minutes for you. Well, fifteen. It takes me an hour to get there, and you're done. Will you come? All. Yeah, yeah, I'm waiting.

Sanek (shouting). Vitek is coming now.

Ksyusha (shouting from the other room). Don't you have to go to work today?

Sanek (shouting). No, it's not my shift today.

Ksyusha (shouting from the other room). Why didn't you wake me up?

Sanek (shouting). Did you ask for it?

Ksyusha (shouting from the other room). Do you have your own head on your shoulders? Am I going to tell you everything all your life?

Sanek (shouting). I overslept myself!

Ksyusha, collected, jumps out, grabs her purse, kisses Sanka on the cheek.

Ksyusha. Okay, I'm forgiven. I ran, take charge.

Ksyusha runs away to work. Sanek stretches, washes, dresses, cleans himself up, waits for Victor to visit.

The doorbell rings. Sanek opens it. Victor enters with a folder in his hand.

Victor's appearance speaks about his success in everything.

Victor. Alexander! Greetings. How many years, how many winters.

They say hello.

Sanek. Come on, "fall" somewhere.

Victor. Are you alone?

Sanek. Ksyukha has already run away, and Nyurka generally gets up very early. I've been at work for a long time.

Victor. Ksyukha is your girlfriend, as I understand it. And Nyurka?

Sanek. A roommate.

Victor looks at Sanka uncomprehendingly.

Sanek. Not mine. Ksyukhina is a roommate. The two of them rent this hut.

Victor. Understood. Then we'll talk here?

Sanek. Well of course. Should I pour some coffee?

Victor. No, thanks, I don't need anything.

Sanek. Look. And I'll bite.

Sanek goes out for coffee, Victor sits down, takes out photos and some lists from a folder.